“In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.” ~Albert Camus
Do you ever stared in the mirror and with bewilderment asked yourself, who is that person staring back at you? Or maybe yearned to reunite and be wed in every molecules within you? The anxious one, the affectionate one, the quick-tempered one, the happy-go-lucky one – those parts of you that are all tangled up at the rear of your open-door persona that subsequently are all furbished and glossed yet surprisingly crack due to any circumstances?
It was about 8 years ago, when the coiled spiral inquisition of that certain question in the mirror started. I left the Philippines and came here in the United States. It was the moment of my life when I “thought” I had to forget the life I have been living for the first 17 years of my existence.
In that particular flight to Los Angeles the idea of goodbye manifested within. It was the phase of completely unglued. Yes, I wept but I knew for sure I was not feeling spiritless or down-hearted. I was anxious, achy and frightened instead. The drum of tears led to anxiety and I felt that my heart was drenched into wine. I wasn’t sober at all. The last words of my family at the airport, my last hug to them and my dog ‘Toni”, that last call I made at the airport (special someone???) every single memories that I shared to the people I love and at the only place I have known. I had to relive them one by one and slowly bid goodbye. It was very painful. Every little inch of it conveyed the feeling of total exhaustion. I thought I was dying and feared I might never feel normal again.
At end of that of that 14-hour Manila-Lax flight. Although I feel wired and weary. By the Grace of God, I had the impression that I wanted to be OK as matter of fact I wanted to feel better despite of. That little voice that remain unheard became louder and louder comforted me. It made me realized that anxieties and doubts are like pins and needles, like fraternal twins. They can dance into your emotions wearing multiple costumes. They can either do waltz or salsa if you allow them to do so and if you don’t know how to stop it or if you chose to dance along with it you might find yourself surrendering in those emotions and completely drowned and sink in the bottom of your misery.
I may feel cold and alienated in that winter season of my life but I know that God has a purpose and only by the warmth of HIS love I can finally feel the summer I have longed for. He allowed me to go through it, for me to unravel the side of me that yet to be explored and for me to reunite my heart and soul finally.
It was not just that unheard little voice that saved me but God’s love. The vagueness of HIS unconditional love gave me assurance that HE got me in the palm of his hands and I am allowed to dance as long as I gave HIM my heart and trust in HIS plans in my life.
It was God’s voice that taught me how to mute my fears and cut off the anxiety that has been playing games in my mind in that plane.
It was also God’s voice that taught me how to accept changes in my life, and reminded me that sometimes we need to leave behind some part of us for us to be whole again (even it is painful).
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.
It was (and still) God’s love who taught and still teaching me how to be happy and be whole again in a day to day spiritual quest (up until this very moment).
So today if you wonder if I still asked myself the “Who are you?” question. Yes, I do, absolutely. Every single day but with now in calm manner because I know God is in control. He took the wheel in my life and I have the best seat ever. It may be a rocky and unpredictable ride but just have faith in God. HE knows what he is doing and enjoy the greatest ride of your life. We only live once so make it worth it.
And Remember: It is ok not to be ok and It is ok to ask yourself in the mirror. Who am I? Am I supposed to be here? As long as you hear that voice inside of you and pray about it, rest assured that eventually you will find the answers in the same way I did. Just be Patient. Do not force it. Listen. Have Faith and Trust GOD.
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.